If someone had asked me that five years ago, on September 17, 2010, I would have told them, ” preparing for my child’s fifth birthday.” I wouldn’t have been sure were we’d be living, or what my husband’s new job would be. We didn’t know (yet!) if we were having a boy or a girl. But I would definitely have seen myself preparing for their fifth birthday in 2015. He or she would have started pre-school or even kindergarden, maybe they would have a few brothers and sisters by then. But we would be celebrating their birthday this Saturday, September 19.
But we’re not. Instead, we’re making an annual trip to Philadelphia, to visit a tiny grave in a huge cemetery, the final resting place of our precious daughter, Mary Catherine.
I’ve never written of this before. But it’s hit me so hard this year, I just wanted to remember, to remind myself that God’s ways are not are ways, that His plans are not our plans. Not for five days, five months, or five years from now. I want other mother’s who have lost a baby to know they that it is OK to grieve. Because you will. Always. The loss will always hurt, and you will always have to seek strength from the Lord.
Others have written so much more eloquently than I about losing a child. Too many women, know the same pain. But here, at least, I’m remembering my baby, my daughter, my first born, my redhead, my saint. I love you, Mary Catherine.